Elspeth Pettigrew the First

Name: Elizabeth Anne-Marie Constantine Pettigrew
D.o.B: A lady never reveals her age
Place of Birth: The Roman Baths, Aquae Sulis, England
Nationality: Norwegian
Occupation: Champion cross-Atlantic Olympic swimmer and Guinea Pig Breeder.

Elspeth Pettigrew, of (undisclosed location) Norway, is best known for her daring feats of bravery. Whilst merely a cub, her parents found her rescuing a friend’s sail boat as it threatened to run adrift whilst taking on the London Bridge ferry in a daring game of ‘catch the ferry’. Hence the infamy began. Better known for being a four-times Olympic champion, she emigrated to Norway in 1984 after press coverage of her last under water polo match became too overwhelming and caused her pony to drown. She has lived the remainder of her life raising guinea pigs on a dairy farm in the most remote part of Norway.

She is also a well-known water skier, and was decorated by HM The Queen for being the first woman to circumnavigate the globe on a specially designed pair of self-propelling skis. An adventurer to the core, there are several undocumented lost years, of which nothing is known of her whereabouts. However, in 1975, some film footage, thought to have been taken by a Japanese tourist, shows what appears to be a sea creature matching Elspeths’ description, lurking about a coral reef off an antipodean coast. Some suspect the involvement of the government in recruiting Elspeth for a mission of great importance as an explanation for her disappearance. The rumours and speculation surrounding her precise whereabouts during this time vary in assumption from having been assigned to penetrate a Germanic outpost in the Himalayas, to obtaining a historic artefact from darkest Peru, to testing top-secret underwater vehicles in Newfoundland. Upon her she return to Aquae Sulis, she immediately gave birth to twins.

She is never known to have been married, although has twenty-two children of varying design. Her most reported romantic association is with the great explorer and inventor of the self-propelled water skis, Sir Humphrey Abbot-Smith. It is suspected that he may be the father of several of her children, however this has never been proved.

Her most famous child, Nobel Pettigrew St James, is known to be the son of famous author, Bounder St James, of London. Nobel is world-renowned fork throwing champion, and clearly takes after his mother in his athletic pursuits. He has also written several murder-mystery novels pivoting around the dangerous world of fork throwing.

Notable Accomplishments
1984 – Los Angeles Olympics. No medals, after the disastrous under water polo incident.
1983 – Appeared in the most reputable charity calendar, ‘Sporting Women Bears throughout history’. She appears twice: Once as herself on her self-propelled water skis, and once as the famous Lawn Tennis Teddy, Velma Van Der Hoven, circa 1918.
1982 – Single-handedly circumnavigated the globe on self-propelled water skis.
1980 – Moscow Olympics: Gold medallist in the Aquatic triathlon consisting of swimming, sailing and water skiing. Silver medallist in ‘How long can you hold your breath under water’ competition. Bronze medallist in ‘Musical Clams Assault Course’.
1980 – Recorded a charity Christmas single with Elvis McDougal, former member of the band The Furry Animals.
1976 – Montreal Olympics: Gold medallist in the cross-channel backstroke, Silver medallist in the Aquatic Triathlon.
1972 – Munich Olympics gold medallist in the cross-channel backstroke, Bronze medallist in cross-country water skiing.
1968-1972 – The lost years.
1968 – Mexico City Olympics, gold medallist in the cross-channel backstroke, Bronze medallist in cross-country water skiing.
1967 – First experiments with the self-propelled water skis.
1964 – Tokyo Olympics, gold medallist in the cross-channel backstroke.
1962 – Hawaiian high-diving charity event, First Place and only survivor, narrowly escaping shark attack.
1953 – Devised and led an Antarctic expedition to find some long-rumoured missing branch of the family.
1950 – Junior cub water skiing champion.

Publications and Articles
1983 ‘Sporting Women Bears throughout history charity calendar’, St Higginsworth Trust for baby bears and cubs, pub Teddy Bear Press.
1983 ‘Pettigrew and the Great Aquatic Obsession: A Biography’ by Sardine De La Rouche and Ginger Braithwaite, pub Teddy Bear Press.
1981 ‘Sportsbearsonality of the year’ pub Teddy Journal of Sports.
1980 ‘Lady Sportsbears full colour supplement’ by Thiery Pamplemousse, Teddy Journal of Sports.
1976 ‘Where’s Pettigrew?’ Editor Nancy Shanks, The Bruin Times, part of the Teddy News Conglomerate.
1976 ‘Two for tea’ by Jose Rodriguez Rodriguez, Annual Teddy Bears’ Picnic Review, Teddy University Press.
1975 ‘Being Elspeth’ by Hilary Buffer, Bear’s Weekly.
1960 ‘After the Bear’ by Norris McTaggart, pub Teddy Journal of Sports.
1957 ‘Bears of the future’, Malcom St Ives, pub Teddy University Press.
1957 ‘The new face of Teddy me Beautiful Cosmetics’, Teddy Vogue.