Lock the door, but don't throw away the key...
I've been following with excitement and fondness the exploits of Max, who has recently fallen in love with a girl from his office. Since I've not been able to watch television, this is like the next best thing. I follow the story with eagerness. I get excited with every new twist and turn, with every new discovery. I love living vicariously through others! I love making new friends, and the cyber-community is perfect for that. Especially when your heart goes out to them, especially when you can rejoice with them, especially when you can tell them that you are right there with them...
My friend Anne Marie recently found herself in love and with boyfriend, it was so exciting because you knew it was right, even through all the traumas surrounding the situation, OK, so that wasn't in cyberspace, but you celebrate in any case...
Unfortunately my office 'romance', unexpected as it was, has left me wondering what it was all about. For now, I've had to lock the door. For now, to preserve my heart, I've got to just walk away. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS, PEOPLE? Do you know how difficult it is to know that you MUST do something? To know that the only solution is to change how you feel? To change what you think? To change who you are? To invest effort into resisting reaching out - just for the moment, so that in the long run, I can do so with freedom and with clear boundaries? Dammit I don't want boundaries! OK, yes I do, but you see the problem?
It feels like if things change, I'll lose what I have. But the irony is that I don't have anything but an impossible situation, so what's the loss? And the not knowing how it will be in a few weeks... that is the absolute agony.
NO.
I KNOW that everything will be fine. I KNOW that it will turn out alright in the end, and there will be smiles and laughter and fondness and... and... it will just take time for the healing power of Christ to just trickle into my soul and melt away all the anguish.
Just hang in there, OK?
My friend Anne Marie recently found herself in love and with boyfriend, it was so exciting because you knew it was right, even through all the traumas surrounding the situation, OK, so that wasn't in cyberspace, but you celebrate in any case...
Unfortunately my office 'romance', unexpected as it was, has left me wondering what it was all about. For now, I've had to lock the door. For now, to preserve my heart, I've got to just walk away. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS, PEOPLE? Do you know how difficult it is to know that you MUST do something? To know that the only solution is to change how you feel? To change what you think? To change who you are? To invest effort into resisting reaching out - just for the moment, so that in the long run, I can do so with freedom and with clear boundaries? Dammit I don't want boundaries! OK, yes I do, but you see the problem?
It feels like if things change, I'll lose what I have. But the irony is that I don't have anything but an impossible situation, so what's the loss? And the not knowing how it will be in a few weeks... that is the absolute agony.
NO.
I KNOW that everything will be fine. I KNOW that it will turn out alright in the end, and there will be smiles and laughter and fondness and... and... it will just take time for the healing power of Christ to just trickle into my soul and melt away all the anguish.
Just hang in there, OK?
posted by Soaring @ 8:42 am
4 Comments:
At 11:07 am,
Fist said…
It might not turn out alright. You might get shot on the way to work, for instance.
At 11:40 am,
Soaring said…
Since we have far fewer guns in England than you do in the States, I fear that is highly unlikely. Although I could get attacked by a dancing banana at any moment... Do you think he knows how to salsa?
At 6:32 pm,
Calia77 said…
Yes, I know how hard it is. And I know how it's even harder when you fall flat on your face, catch him when he's drunk, take advantage (and let yourself be taken advantage of), be told he doesn't love you, decide you want his kids (this is me who's never wanted kids), move out of the house-share with him and have not seen him fo nearly 6 weeks! The only contact you have is IM - when he's bored at work. You call - he doesn't. You email - he doesn't!
Hmmm, wonder what my latest blog's about then?
At 1:56 pm,
Anonymous said…
Darling, remember you can't change how you feel. You can only choose to decide whether to act on those feelings or not, and if you believe they may lead you to ruin, then commit these feelings to God, and it will eventually pass. :-)
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