Beauty and the Beholder
Sometimes I give myself pep-talks. What am I talking about? I ALWAYS give myself pep-talks!!! In as much as I am telling others about my discoveries and newly learned insights (sometimes I understand that in my delivery I am so enthusiastic that this can be overwhelming) I am also reminding myself of the truths that I am trying to imbue into my soul.
I want to learn and grow. I think I probably want it a little too much. I almost want to be there already, speeding the 'process' along at such break neck speed you don't have time to enjoy the scenery. The process is what seems to be taking so long. I still don't feel as if I have arrived. A lot of this talk is prompted by the fact of this excess weight that I've been carrying around most of my life. It is like a story to be told. There is a truth to be revealed, a beauty, and actually that is the painful process. At the core of what I believe I was created to be is something nice. More than nice. It is wonderous. And all my life I've been striving to become. That's it. Striving.
Unfortunately this is not a particularly nice quality in a woman. So I've decided that I'm going to stop. I don't know how this can be done. I don't know how I'm going to find that peace that says, 'Even if you don't get me, even if you have no idea what I'm going on about, even if you don't care about any of this, I do. I care, I am enjoying being me immensely. Just becuase there is no one to enjoy me, it doesn't diminish my beauty.' I think that's what it is all about, you know. I've kind of always thought that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I always expected that beholder to be something external, you know? A lover or God. That is all well and good, but it has to be sufficient that I am beholding and enjoying myself - at least for now. Until I figure out how to accept beholding from someone else. And I do behold. I just get stressed frequently that I've never heard it from the significant male personage in my life: my dad. I suppose if I never hear it, that's OK too. There is no point going on as if something is still missing. I've found the answer. I've found Jesus and the promises of his eternal Kingdom. There is nothing left to find - except perhaps enter fully into what it really means to enter into this kingdom and grasp hold of the peace He offers and know that everything is actually going to be alright.
I think I know that, deep down. I think I know that everything WILL be fine, and good. Which does not explain my behaviour at all, really. I have to apologise for all those who have been caught up in the tumultuousness that is my presence sometimes. But other than that, I'm not going to apologise for being a passionate and emotional woman. Life would be boring otherwise. If you want an easy life, don't dock here! Just as in God wants to be wanted, wants to be loved, as does the pinnacle of his creation: Woman.
There, I admit it. I want to be loved, pursued, desired, wanted. But if I'm not in a state of rest, then I'm not exactly going to be attractive. So, what does being in a state of rest and not striving mean? For me, I'm not sure what it looks like. That is what I've got to learn. I've got to exchange the frustration of the 'Not Yet' for the enjoyment of the present. Easier said than done, I suppose. But this I know: If I'm doing everything I can to move myself forward, in any given moment, I will still feel like i'm not going anywhere. So I think I've just got to get used to the feeling of being stationary, but also the paradox of knowing that I am going somewhere. Even if the tiniest little increment of my behaviour (par example, controling what I eat, learning to live in the moment, not stressing about the 'what if') continued for a sustained enough period will have the desired results in the end. I've got to be less results focussed, as if that is the only measure of success. The success is IN the moment. It is in the choices of each moment. Each time I make the right decision, and each time I choose to enjoy the decision I've made because i know that things might not be ok now, but one day they will be...
And then, I've got to surrender the results to an unbelievably generous God who gives us much more than we deserve, and much more than we've ever worked for. Here's to a God who gives us dreams and makes them come true.
I want to learn and grow. I think I probably want it a little too much. I almost want to be there already, speeding the 'process' along at such break neck speed you don't have time to enjoy the scenery. The process is what seems to be taking so long. I still don't feel as if I have arrived. A lot of this talk is prompted by the fact of this excess weight that I've been carrying around most of my life. It is like a story to be told. There is a truth to be revealed, a beauty, and actually that is the painful process. At the core of what I believe I was created to be is something nice. More than nice. It is wonderous. And all my life I've been striving to become. That's it. Striving.
Unfortunately this is not a particularly nice quality in a woman. So I've decided that I'm going to stop. I don't know how this can be done. I don't know how I'm going to find that peace that says, 'Even if you don't get me, even if you have no idea what I'm going on about, even if you don't care about any of this, I do. I care, I am enjoying being me immensely. Just becuase there is no one to enjoy me, it doesn't diminish my beauty.' I think that's what it is all about, you know. I've kind of always thought that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I always expected that beholder to be something external, you know? A lover or God. That is all well and good, but it has to be sufficient that I am beholding and enjoying myself - at least for now. Until I figure out how to accept beholding from someone else. And I do behold. I just get stressed frequently that I've never heard it from the significant male personage in my life: my dad. I suppose if I never hear it, that's OK too. There is no point going on as if something is still missing. I've found the answer. I've found Jesus and the promises of his eternal Kingdom. There is nothing left to find - except perhaps enter fully into what it really means to enter into this kingdom and grasp hold of the peace He offers and know that everything is actually going to be alright.
I think I know that, deep down. I think I know that everything WILL be fine, and good. Which does not explain my behaviour at all, really. I have to apologise for all those who have been caught up in the tumultuousness that is my presence sometimes. But other than that, I'm not going to apologise for being a passionate and emotional woman. Life would be boring otherwise. If you want an easy life, don't dock here! Just as in God wants to be wanted, wants to be loved, as does the pinnacle of his creation: Woman.
There, I admit it. I want to be loved, pursued, desired, wanted. But if I'm not in a state of rest, then I'm not exactly going to be attractive. So, what does being in a state of rest and not striving mean? For me, I'm not sure what it looks like. That is what I've got to learn. I've got to exchange the frustration of the 'Not Yet' for the enjoyment of the present. Easier said than done, I suppose. But this I know: If I'm doing everything I can to move myself forward, in any given moment, I will still feel like i'm not going anywhere. So I think I've just got to get used to the feeling of being stationary, but also the paradox of knowing that I am going somewhere. Even if the tiniest little increment of my behaviour (par example, controling what I eat, learning to live in the moment, not stressing about the 'what if') continued for a sustained enough period will have the desired results in the end. I've got to be less results focussed, as if that is the only measure of success. The success is IN the moment. It is in the choices of each moment. Each time I make the right decision, and each time I choose to enjoy the decision I've made because i know that things might not be ok now, but one day they will be...
And then, I've got to surrender the results to an unbelievably generous God who gives us much more than we deserve, and much more than we've ever worked for. Here's to a God who gives us dreams and makes them come true.
posted by Soaring @ 10:33 am
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