Control Freak

Ok, ok I admit it. A source of great pain and consternation in my life is the fact that I believe (wrongly) that I can have an effect on speeding up my learning/growing/changing process. There is this prayer that is well known that says, 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.' I don't think it was a mistake when my parents named me. I always say that I'm growing into my name. But serenity is such a difficult quality to embody.

I wish I was more serene. In my little brain I got all carried away and thought I could do something about my recent dating situation. Even the whole idea of getting an attitude shake up meant that I was treating the whole thing as a project, something to be accomplished, men to be observed in order to aid my growth process. My roomie pointed out that it meant I was only using them... perhaps, if I have that in the back of my mind every time I meet someone new I'm also doing a mini assessment (ok dammit, AFTER the situation, not during!). But it is just the way my brain works - doing something wrong? oooh! I can do something to make things better for myself...

D'oh! Missed the point. The point is with some things, there is NOTHING that I can do. And I've got to learn what these things are. I can't rush things, becuase it just doesn't work. It is one thing saying, 'Relax and just have fun!' when my whole life has been telling me, 'If you don't do something, nothing will get done! If you don't point out the problem, nothing will happen! If you don't make the first move, no one will come up and speak to you and you'll still be lonely...' So, how do I re-program myself to think, 'even if nothing seems to be happening, even if the problem still remains (is it still really my problem?), even if no one comes up and talks to me... then...' what? then chill? just like that?

I know that I can't necessarily change my circumstances... I can, however change my attitude. And I really need to learn how to chill. I take the risk that if I learn to chill for long enough, if I suffer being disappointed for long enough (becuase there will be disappointments), if I learn to adjust my expectations about life... then the results will take care of themselves. The career will change, the love of my life will arrive, i'll have more fun, hell, I might even be thin... if I chill for long enough down this same route.

I don't know. My stupid brain takes forever to kick in. I don't even realise half the time that I'm 'Striving' it is almost a natural state for me to be in! So, anyone help... help me to lighten up. Help me to chill... help me to have fun... and the rewards for us all will be magnificent. I'm sure of it!