Long Time No Write

Well, what can I say? So much has changed over the last few months and as I sit here tapping away, I am currently mid-way through an awakening of sorts. Since December, I have been holding down a new full-time job which is absolutely delightful and I feel quite suited to it. I feel like I'm in a brilliant position to make some good career choices. Financially I'm not feeling a massive pinch, although I have bought (with the help of my folks) a flat and am settling in quite nicely. I feel rather grown up!

I have a boyfriend, which is strange, and I've managed to maintain a 3 stone weightloss for several months now, and I'm still losing.

The biggest change is in the way that I see myself, and in the way that I perceive others to see me. The fact that I am now of relatively normal weight means that I do not label myself as 'the fat sidekick' and as a result for the first time in my life feel like I'm level pegging with people. It probably sounds strange, but it has been something that is of great importance to me. And surprisingly enough, I find that not only am I on level pegging in my own perception, but in fact I'm doing rather well. Not particularly in comparison to everyone else, but rather, I've come to accept that whatever issues I have are all a part of life, and I'm not greatly disadvantaged at all in any way.

Funny how you end up thinking sometimes.

In addition, I'm starting to think that I'm a little bit more liberal than I thought I was. I mean, I've had all these thoughts and attitudes that have restricted my behaviour, becuase I've believed that if I say I am something, I should behave like that something. But what I'm coming to realise is that my behaviour is inconsistent with what I say I am - this is frightening for me becuase it means that I'm not actually who I think I am. However, the person who I find myself to be is quite acceptable, therefore all i have to do is just learn to adjust the 'label' which I put on myself and adjust the expectations I have of myself to be more in line with what I can actually deliver.

It is all rather exciting, liberating and terrifying all at once. I kind of have this overarching feeling that I'm doing the wrong thing, but only becuase I've held myself to these impossibly high standards... There are still many issues that I have to work out and I've got to figure out how lenient to be with myself. There isn't an easy answer to many of the decisions that I can make, but ultimately no one else can make them for me. I think my biggest fear is that someone will be disapproving of my behaviour - my friends, mentors, internal parent; but to be honest, I find it much easier to be forgiving and less judgemental of others than I am of myself. Why is that?

I still expect high things of myself, and i'm finding it harder and harder to deliver. If I adjust my expectations, I become just like everyone else, struggling to do the best they can, oh my goodness, I might even have to admit that I'm human, open to the same trials and temptations as every other person on this planet/in my church!!!

So, from now on I'm going to discover what the most important thing is in life, and learn to be satisfied.

Having a pretty fun time, though, I think you'd like to know!!!