Sometimes its hard to be a woman...

You know the feeling you get when you've just watched one of those rites of passage movies? Ok, it might as well be mostly any movie that leaves you in a reflective mood. Anyway, the point is that I've come to the end of a chapter in my life, the wind has changed, and Mary Poppins has been carried off in another direction. I guess today I'm just at that point where I've gone and flown my kite off Primrose Hill (not literally of course, becuase I'm at least 45 miles away!). The journey which started out so frought with anxiety and disappointment has now reached an impasse. I'm driving from LA to Las Vegas and have paused along the way to see the Grand Canyon - it is just breathtaking.

When I was little, my mum used to take my brother and I to the playground in Primrose Hill. I remember cycling my little bike, complete with stabilisers all the way up the hill. I remember the melted ice cream and the horrible public toilets with the wet floors where we would get a rush of instant cool during a hot summer. And as a teen, I remember climbing to the top of a plain mound, a hill with one plaque cemented firmly to the ground, looking out over London. It was always melancholy, with a misty blue haze that just sat over the horizon. I don't think I ever thought much about my future, only my indescribably hopeless and uncomfortable present.

And today, I look out over the horizon with a different mind, a different heart, a grown up one. One filled with hope for the future, but rest in the present. One that knows, that says, 'All is well. All will be well.' I take a deep breath. And then one more, as if trying to slow down the beat of my heart, as if trying to bring my body in line with the rest of my being. It helps that it is sunny outside.

On one hand I ask, 'What will become of me?' 'Am I lovely?' 'Will I ever change?' 'Is he on his way?' 'Will it always be like this?' 'How long, Lord? How long?' and on the other, I just know that there is little I can do to move it along, little point in pushing, no way that I can really change just by wishing. And on the other hand, I think I've come to that point where I've found myself having learned the difficult lesson, and I've got through it. But in the process, I've found the next lesson that I'm supposed to learn, and I'm on the brink of a bright new discovery. So as one chapter ends, another begins. As one part of me dies, another is born. As one seed is sown, a hundred are reaped.

Everything is going to be just fine...