Emotional Layers
OK, so I didn't figure it would kick in so fast this time round. About two years ago I lost around two stone and got down to no less than 12 and a half stone. That's about 175lb for you Americans, and 79kgs for you Europeans. I had joined a gym but my eating habits were still a little out of control. I got fed up of not seeing any progress (I was still a UK size 18) and it was just too much hard work. I was working really hard at the gym and I just couldn't get my head around how little results I was getting for all my efforts.
Two January's ago, the weight started creeping back on. I was unemployed and general self esteem was really low. By August last year I had got myself a temporary part time Job, and things were looking up. But the weight kept creeping on and by Christmas time I had nearly put on all the weight I had lost the previous year. So, in January, one of my New year's resolutions was to give up sugar, since I was snacking on lots of rubbish. I managed it for 10 weeks. Very little sugar in my diet. The odd juice drink here and there, and maybe once I ate an m&m by mistake. But apart from that, it was a pretty cool fast that lasted around 10 weeks. During this time, I also gave up TV, DVDs, Videos, Movies and such like for lent. But it was good - everyone said I was losing weight. The scales registered about 13 and a half stone (189lb, 85kgs) . I hadn't weighed myself before, so I didn't know if I had actually lost anything. And after all of that, I couldn't keep it up. I just craved ice cream. In fact, the minute I started eating sweets again, my eating habits were even worse than usual! For three months I struggled with being out of control and not being sure what to do about it. I hated the way my work clothes were getting tight and the fact that I couldn't get into my work skirts anymore! I think I put on all the weight I had lost in January!
Well, my friend Jennie was moving back to the area and she said that she used to go to a Weight Watchers meeting near her home. I mentioned to her that I would be really interested in coming along with her. I had never gone to anything like that before, and couldn't stand the stigma attached to it, but I thought that the one element that had been lacking from all my other attempts had been accountability.
So, I got everything organised, took full advantage of the free joining coupon I found on the internet and we joined. In the first two weeks I'd lost 10lb and for two weeks after that I hadn't lost anything (ok, 1/2 lb, but to me that hardly counts). The thing that is surprising me most of all is all the emotions. I mean, as the physical layers are coming off, as I have all my eating habits under control now (eating three meals a day, snacking only on fruit, cutting down portion sizes and drinking about 2-2.5litres of water a day), I'm not really struggling at all with the food side of things. But my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand why I'm so frustrated that after all the good things I've achieved, becuase I don't see it on the scales, or becuase the increments of success are so small, I don't feel like I've achieved anything. It is as if I've been trained to believe that the only things that matter are the end results.
And I hate it. I'm really struggling. I can't believe that it hurts so much that I can't seem to count all the successes of the last five weeks. I know this is an issue that God wants to sort out in me, and I always knew that I had high expectations of myself. I mean, I don't doubt in the slightest that I will reach my goal. But that is an awfully long way off. Intellectually I understand the long-term implications of the changes that I've made. But emotionally, I am still sitting there thinking 'But I'm still fat, I haven't lost anything and I'm still a size 18 and probably won't be a size 16 till I am 12 stone!... that is a stone and a half away. And not even that - but some of the trousers I've just bought are a size 22!!! (US 18W). Dammit, what is wrong with me? For some reason I need to work on my re-wiring, but how do you break the emotional habits of a lifetime? How does the message get from my head to my heart? How do I really start to believe that I am a success, even when I'm not getting the results that I want? At the moment I only consider myself a success if I reach my long term goal. If I don't get there, I will have failed. Once I learn this lesson, I'm sure the whole rest of the process will be a delight, not a heartache. Life is too short to stress so much. I don't want to be like this.
How does your heart re-learn something? How do you begin to believe the truth? How do I start to ease up on myself and thus release the motivation I need in order to stick with it?
Two January's ago, the weight started creeping back on. I was unemployed and general self esteem was really low. By August last year I had got myself a temporary part time Job, and things were looking up. But the weight kept creeping on and by Christmas time I had nearly put on all the weight I had lost the previous year. So, in January, one of my New year's resolutions was to give up sugar, since I was snacking on lots of rubbish. I managed it for 10 weeks. Very little sugar in my diet. The odd juice drink here and there, and maybe once I ate an m&m by mistake. But apart from that, it was a pretty cool fast that lasted around 10 weeks. During this time, I also gave up TV, DVDs, Videos, Movies and such like for lent. But it was good - everyone said I was losing weight. The scales registered about 13 and a half stone (189lb, 85kgs) . I hadn't weighed myself before, so I didn't know if I had actually lost anything. And after all of that, I couldn't keep it up. I just craved ice cream. In fact, the minute I started eating sweets again, my eating habits were even worse than usual! For three months I struggled with being out of control and not being sure what to do about it. I hated the way my work clothes were getting tight and the fact that I couldn't get into my work skirts anymore! I think I put on all the weight I had lost in January!
Well, my friend Jennie was moving back to the area and she said that she used to go to a Weight Watchers meeting near her home. I mentioned to her that I would be really interested in coming along with her. I had never gone to anything like that before, and couldn't stand the stigma attached to it, but I thought that the one element that had been lacking from all my other attempts had been accountability.
So, I got everything organised, took full advantage of the free joining coupon I found on the internet and we joined. In the first two weeks I'd lost 10lb and for two weeks after that I hadn't lost anything (ok, 1/2 lb, but to me that hardly counts). The thing that is surprising me most of all is all the emotions. I mean, as the physical layers are coming off, as I have all my eating habits under control now (eating three meals a day, snacking only on fruit, cutting down portion sizes and drinking about 2-2.5litres of water a day), I'm not really struggling at all with the food side of things. But my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand why I'm so frustrated that after all the good things I've achieved, becuase I don't see it on the scales, or becuase the increments of success are so small, I don't feel like I've achieved anything. It is as if I've been trained to believe that the only things that matter are the end results.
And I hate it. I'm really struggling. I can't believe that it hurts so much that I can't seem to count all the successes of the last five weeks. I know this is an issue that God wants to sort out in me, and I always knew that I had high expectations of myself. I mean, I don't doubt in the slightest that I will reach my goal. But that is an awfully long way off. Intellectually I understand the long-term implications of the changes that I've made. But emotionally, I am still sitting there thinking 'But I'm still fat, I haven't lost anything and I'm still a size 18 and probably won't be a size 16 till I am 12 stone!... that is a stone and a half away. And not even that - but some of the trousers I've just bought are a size 22!!! (US 18W). Dammit, what is wrong with me? For some reason I need to work on my re-wiring, but how do you break the emotional habits of a lifetime? How does the message get from my head to my heart? How do I really start to believe that I am a success, even when I'm not getting the results that I want? At the moment I only consider myself a success if I reach my long term goal. If I don't get there, I will have failed. Once I learn this lesson, I'm sure the whole rest of the process will be a delight, not a heartache. Life is too short to stress so much. I don't want to be like this.
How does your heart re-learn something? How do you begin to believe the truth? How do I start to ease up on myself and thus release the motivation I need in order to stick with it?
posted by Soaring @ 2:10 pm
1 Comments:
At 10:28 pm,
Calia77 said…
They say that food covers up emotion - is a substitute. So if you've got the food under control, then I guess the emotions that have been suppressed and hidden are going to come out again.
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