Trigger Happy

Sometimes I feel that I am living a duplicitous life. What I mean is, perhaps paradoxical. On one hand, I am grown up, capable, competent, have a 'can do' attitude, people trust me, I am loyal and reliable. I have many skills and talents, a good all rounder, and like to be involved in many different things from running my own business, to being in the band at church and helping to lead a small church group. To the pastors my opinion is respected, and they often call on me when having a brainstorming session or if they need bodies to get involved in the latest scheme. I am not devoid of frustrations, but I get my opinion accross. I think they can see my strengths and talents, and I reckon most people are fairly happy that if they asked me to do something, I would get it done. I would say that I work fast and am highly productive. I have a rich social life and many friends. I think I make a difference in people's lives, becuase they tell me so. I think I make an impact on my environment and stand out in a crowd.

And on the other hand? I complain incessantly that no one takes me seriously, that I am constantly ignored, that no one wants to listen to my good ideas or implement any of them. I constantly feel like a child, waiting for someone to OK my plans before I implement them. I don't feel free to implement many of my ideas that involve others. I struggle with doing things by myself, and wish often that I didn't spend so much time alone. I am never totally sure whether the things I do are up to scratch. I always complain that I never get any feedback and it feels like I don't make the slightest bit of difference at all. I feel like I put so much effort into my life, and my friendships, with little reward. I feel like I'm doing all the outreach and that no one is making an effort with me. Much of the time I feel like a burden to people. I am sure I don't know how to fully relax.

There have been some odd instances recently, a dream I had which really pushed some buttons for me. I dreamt that I had asked my mother to find my sexy black outfit and she brought me top after top of horrible and unflattering long sleeved itchy things. I got so angry, and thinking about the dream, I get angry. Also, I've been complaining a lot about the same kind of things (see above) and I was talking to a girl about jobs recently and it just triggered this explosion of inexplicable emotional reaction. I started getting really stressed and fearful about getting a proper job, for all the above mentioned reasons. What on earth was going on? Why all these triggers all at once? I just have to get down to the bottom of it.

So, what is a truer reflection of reality? Whatever you see when you look at my life seems to be heading in the right direction, and fairly successful. And what of the inner life? It is as if some of my reactions and behaviours are still stuck in the past. I am still reacting as if I am a child. I don't always do this mind, most of the time I consciously make the decision to believe the truth, rather than my wierd emotions. It takes practice. It takes a lot of my brain going 'don't listen to the child, its not true...' of course, that is when I am conscious of my reactions. Sometimes the emotions are impossible to control. I don't expect them, and they just happen.

But I want to be free. I mean, completely free. I want to get down to the bottom of these emotions and I want to get over it. I don't want to be haunted by these thoughts anymore. I don't want to be imprisoned by fear, because that is not who I am. I am a young, adventurous, energetic and confident woman. I am not a fearful child. Go figure.

Thank God that He has provided healing by the stripes of Christ, free of charge.

Please may I have some more?