single woman blues

I'm despairing that no one is going to end up coming to my birthday! Or rather, I'm going to have a raggle taggle bunch of people that don't know each other... not my best friends or people I know that well. Having said that, it might end up as quite fun. I've invited nearly everyone I know! People from work, people from church, people from Salsa... I haven't even invited everyone from church that I wanted to invite! I dont' know if ANYONE is going to show up at all. Still, I can always invite people at the wedding I'm going to on the weekend.

A much anticipated wedding, I might add. It is very exciting, really. I'll get to see lots of people I've not seen in ages. We'll have a great ole boogie and get to dress up and look fabulous. Then I'm going to have to start thinking whether or not I'm going to wear my hair up or down or whatever. It will be lovely to get all dressed up after having lost weight too. There is this one guy in particular that I'm hoping to impress. What does a girl have to do to get a guy to make a bee line for her, anyway? Even if it isnt' this one?

I mean, I was out dancing on Friday night, having a really excellent time, and yet the evening was marred by this one point: my friend got asked out. Now why on earth should that bother me in the slightest? She wasn't interested at all, but it still left me feeling that I was doing something wrong becuase I was not attracting any guys.

OK, so that is not altogether true. As usual I was being a total geek magnet. I've got nothing against geeks per say, but they're not exactly suitable for me. When am I ever going to meet my match, eh? And why do I find this all so disheartening? It is not as if I went out looking to meet someone. In fact, I know that where I go dancing, I've never really had anyone interested in me, so I've learned to expect that I won't get any interest. So why so disappointed this time?

My friends keep telling me that many blokes are shy, and I've got to be patient. What on earth does that mean? I've been waiting 30 years, and I've never been asked out. OK, only once when I was 19, and 15 stone (the heaviest I've been). He was a biker, and about 36 years old. He came into the shop that I was working in and I stupidly gave him my number. It was the most terrifying and awkward date ever. I have no idea why he asked me out, but I have a feeling that he may have thought that my friendliness actually meant I wanted to sleep with him, and becuase I was so fat and insecure, I was easy and could probably do with a good, ahem... you get the idea.

Leaving that behind, I feel like I'm by so far in the best frame of mind and physical shape that I've ever been in. I'm relaxed and happy. Things are going in the right direction. I'm not going out of my way to chat men up. I'm not desperately seeking attention. I'm busy getting on with my life, occupied with sorting it out...

...and still no joy. I can totally fully understand that at previous times in my life, I may have come accross as a bit of a headcase, stressed, or generally not as attractive as I could have been. I understand and fully trust in the fact of God's timing and benevolence (when the guy comes along, he's going to exceed my expectations). I understand that I could be giving off subconscious subliminal messages that tell guys that you're not interested (huh?- how do I manage that? - better yet, how do I change it?) I just have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

This of course pre-supposes that it is something that I can control. So, seeing as how it isn't anything that I can control, I am actually more than surprised that I just don't get more attention than I do.

Perhaps what I mean is a different kind of attention. The kind that is a little more than, 'hey she's cool, but she'd never go out with me so I won't ask her...' a little more than, 'I've had a crush on her for three years but she'll never know about it...' Is that why they are staying away? Because their knees turn to jelly and they can't speak? Evidence kind of points to the contrary in my life... I get on well with the young men I know, and am well liked by all. Why on earth would I want to go out with someone who is so shy he doesn't know how to state his preference? And I have no intention of making any first moves or driving the relationship. That is not my job. If he's not interested, there is no point in pushing things. So, I just get on with my life the way I have been for the last I don't know what.

So, where is the guy who is willing to take that extra step? Is it just that there is no one in my age bracket around? I mean, I know I expect much, but not even non-christian guys ask me out, and I'm starting to get really miffed.

OK, rant over. Enough talking about this and getting back to getting on with my life and not talking about this. But please feel free to comment if you have any insights.