Arabic Sweet

Learning to be more serene...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Into the swing of things...

Righty ho, I'm feeling quite a lot more positive now that my new way of thinking is starting to sink in. I'm starting to posess it, to agree with it. I'm starting to realise that it is actually the only way to peace of mind and a good quality of life.

I mean, why for so long in my life have I neglected my body and my finances? Why have I negelected to look after my physical needs? I don't know. I don't know the answers to that. But it doesn't matter, I've got to move on. I now see that if I want the results that I've been dreaming about pretty much all my life, then the investment has got to be LONG TERM. Ok, this is not a new concept. We all know that if we do a little bit of what is important every day, we'll get a massive change in the long run.

I suppose I've never been really very encouraged by this. I've been resisting the laws of agriculture - you know in Ecclesiastes and that popular 1960s song, it says, 'There is a season for everything... a time to sow, and a time to reap etc...' and of course becuase my expectations have been so skewed, I've been disappointed that effort does not equal results quickly enough. Whether this has to do with plain impatience, or stubborness or stupidity, I have no idea. Perhaps a combination of all three. It was almost too painful to believe that if I wanted to lose weight or get better grades I actually had to work consistently. I've never been very good at that, see... I've never been very good at doing what is important. I've been easily distracted and lacking in focus, even though I have strong dreams, strong desires and a strong will. It has never really all come together before.

Well, this new attitude, this new embracing of the laws of agriculture is quite exciting to me. And my behaviour is actually changing!!! I'm suddenly at peace, knowing that I am doing all that I can at the moment to move myself to a better place. Instead of expecting myself to be an expert straight away, I'm finally happy with taking my time to build up to starting level!!! It is totally crazy and liberating. I mean, I love Callanetics (toning exercises) but they are a real killer. 100 reps of each exercise etc. But, using one of my strongest skills (being a strategist), I have mapped out a realistic 10 week programme that will have me doing 100 reps in every exercise. By the end of it, I should be mastering the routine. Bit by bit, week by week. I'm actually allowing myself to push my limitis incrementally. I'm not overdoing it. I'm not expecting more of myself than I can deliver. In the long run, I WILL be able to deliver more, but not without this foundational stage. And it goes for every area of my life.

I'm just starting to build things up, to congratulate myself for moving forward in several aspects of life... I have to sort out my body, my finances and my career. And I'm using techniques for all these areas that work on the same basis - little and often. I mean, I've been keeping every receipt and noting down everything I spend for about two years now. Quite strictlly. It has now become a habit. But I haven't been able to monitor what I've been spending becuase I'm about six months behind with the books!!! So, all I have to do is visualise where I want to be financially, and start to elevate the importance of these three areas in my life which I have neglected for so long.

Why have I neglected them for so long?

I have no idea. I really don't have a clue why I haven't been able to get my act together sooner. But I've decided that these things are really important if I'm going to be a useful member of society. Not only will I be happier, but others will benefit more becuase of it too. It is important that I'm fit and healthy, financially stable, have good relationships, and an appropriate to my skills and intelligence career, not to mention making a contribution to the church (and wider) community.

Oooh, I've got a mission! Its a big project, but I think by this time next year I'm going to be sorted in so many areas that I never thought I would be. I will certainly be well on my way.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Trigger Happy

Sometimes I feel that I am living a duplicitous life. What I mean is, perhaps paradoxical. On one hand, I am grown up, capable, competent, have a 'can do' attitude, people trust me, I am loyal and reliable. I have many skills and talents, a good all rounder, and like to be involved in many different things from running my own business, to being in the band at church and helping to lead a small church group. To the pastors my opinion is respected, and they often call on me when having a brainstorming session or if they need bodies to get involved in the latest scheme. I am not devoid of frustrations, but I get my opinion accross. I think they can see my strengths and talents, and I reckon most people are fairly happy that if they asked me to do something, I would get it done. I would say that I work fast and am highly productive. I have a rich social life and many friends. I think I make a difference in people's lives, becuase they tell me so. I think I make an impact on my environment and stand out in a crowd.

And on the other hand? I complain incessantly that no one takes me seriously, that I am constantly ignored, that no one wants to listen to my good ideas or implement any of them. I constantly feel like a child, waiting for someone to OK my plans before I implement them. I don't feel free to implement many of my ideas that involve others. I struggle with doing things by myself, and wish often that I didn't spend so much time alone. I am never totally sure whether the things I do are up to scratch. I always complain that I never get any feedback and it feels like I don't make the slightest bit of difference at all. I feel like I put so much effort into my life, and my friendships, with little reward. I feel like I'm doing all the outreach and that no one is making an effort with me. Much of the time I feel like a burden to people. I am sure I don't know how to fully relax.

There have been some odd instances recently, a dream I had which really pushed some buttons for me. I dreamt that I had asked my mother to find my sexy black outfit and she brought me top after top of horrible and unflattering long sleeved itchy things. I got so angry, and thinking about the dream, I get angry. Also, I've been complaining a lot about the same kind of things (see above) and I was talking to a girl about jobs recently and it just triggered this explosion of inexplicable emotional reaction. I started getting really stressed and fearful about getting a proper job, for all the above mentioned reasons. What on earth was going on? Why all these triggers all at once? I just have to get down to the bottom of it.

So, what is a truer reflection of reality? Whatever you see when you look at my life seems to be heading in the right direction, and fairly successful. And what of the inner life? It is as if some of my reactions and behaviours are still stuck in the past. I am still reacting as if I am a child. I don't always do this mind, most of the time I consciously make the decision to believe the truth, rather than my wierd emotions. It takes practice. It takes a lot of my brain going 'don't listen to the child, its not true...' of course, that is when I am conscious of my reactions. Sometimes the emotions are impossible to control. I don't expect them, and they just happen.

But I want to be free. I mean, completely free. I want to get down to the bottom of these emotions and I want to get over it. I don't want to be haunted by these thoughts anymore. I don't want to be imprisoned by fear, because that is not who I am. I am a young, adventurous, energetic and confident woman. I am not a fearful child. Go figure.

Thank God that He has provided healing by the stripes of Christ, free of charge.

Please may I have some more?

Monday, July 04, 2005

NSVs

What on earth are NSVs I hear you ask? WEll, they are Non Scale Victories. You know, those little victories, the tiny little changes that make you think that you're on to a winner. Know what I mean? For example, a chap in church yesterday who I don't really know more than to say hi to said, 'You're looking really well!' - that is most definately an NSV!!! Hurrah! When people start noticing, then that's brilliant. Also, things like putting on a pair of jeans I haven't tried on for ages and finding that they actually fit! They're not one hundred per cent as baggy as they used to be, but here's counting! Not long now.

Also, things like remembering how the clothes you wear every day are fitting slightly looser, like my work trousers.

I suppose this could translate into other areas of life. I mean, if you used to be a smoker, clothes smell really fresh or if you used to spend lots and always be in debt, you are in the black most of the time... that kind of thing. I mean, how do you know that things are changing for the better? What are the tiny little differences that don't necessarily show up on the scales, or in the mirror, but you know are happening?

I suppose they are measures of success other than the most obvious ones...

Friday, July 01, 2005

Emotional Layers

OK, so I didn't figure it would kick in so fast this time round. About two years ago I lost around two stone and got down to no less than 12 and a half stone. That's about 175lb for you Americans, and 79kgs for you Europeans. I had joined a gym but my eating habits were still a little out of control. I got fed up of not seeing any progress (I was still a UK size 18) and it was just too much hard work. I was working really hard at the gym and I just couldn't get my head around how little results I was getting for all my efforts.

Two January's ago, the weight started creeping back on. I was unemployed and general self esteem was really low. By August last year I had got myself a temporary part time Job, and things were looking up. But the weight kept creeping on and by Christmas time I had nearly put on all the weight I had lost the previous year. So, in January, one of my New year's resolutions was to give up sugar, since I was snacking on lots of rubbish. I managed it for 10 weeks. Very little sugar in my diet. The odd juice drink here and there, and maybe once I ate an m&m by mistake. But apart from that, it was a pretty cool fast that lasted around 10 weeks. During this time, I also gave up TV, DVDs, Videos, Movies and such like for lent. But it was good - everyone said I was losing weight. The scales registered about 13 and a half stone (189lb, 85kgs) . I hadn't weighed myself before, so I didn't know if I had actually lost anything. And after all of that, I couldn't keep it up. I just craved ice cream. In fact, the minute I started eating sweets again, my eating habits were even worse than usual! For three months I struggled with being out of control and not being sure what to do about it. I hated the way my work clothes were getting tight and the fact that I couldn't get into my work skirts anymore! I think I put on all the weight I had lost in January!

Well, my friend Jennie was moving back to the area and she said that she used to go to a Weight Watchers meeting near her home. I mentioned to her that I would be really interested in coming along with her. I had never gone to anything like that before, and couldn't stand the stigma attached to it, but I thought that the one element that had been lacking from all my other attempts had been accountability.

So, I got everything organised, took full advantage of the free joining coupon I found on the internet and we joined. In the first two weeks I'd lost 10lb and for two weeks after that I hadn't lost anything (ok, 1/2 lb, but to me that hardly counts). The thing that is surprising me most of all is all the emotions. I mean, as the physical layers are coming off, as I have all my eating habits under control now (eating three meals a day, snacking only on fruit, cutting down portion sizes and drinking about 2-2.5litres of water a day), I'm not really struggling at all with the food side of things. But my emotions are all over the place. I don't understand why I'm so frustrated that after all the good things I've achieved, becuase I don't see it on the scales, or becuase the increments of success are so small, I don't feel like I've achieved anything. It is as if I've been trained to believe that the only things that matter are the end results.

And I hate it. I'm really struggling. I can't believe that it hurts so much that I can't seem to count all the successes of the last five weeks. I know this is an issue that God wants to sort out in me, and I always knew that I had high expectations of myself. I mean, I don't doubt in the slightest that I will reach my goal. But that is an awfully long way off. Intellectually I understand the long-term implications of the changes that I've made. But emotionally, I am still sitting there thinking 'But I'm still fat, I haven't lost anything and I'm still a size 18 and probably won't be a size 16 till I am 12 stone!... that is a stone and a half away. And not even that - but some of the trousers I've just bought are a size 22!!! (US 18W). Dammit, what is wrong with me? For some reason I need to work on my re-wiring, but how do you break the emotional habits of a lifetime? How does the message get from my head to my heart? How do I really start to believe that I am a success, even when I'm not getting the results that I want? At the moment I only consider myself a success if I reach my long term goal. If I don't get there, I will have failed. Once I learn this lesson, I'm sure the whole rest of the process will be a delight, not a heartache. Life is too short to stress so much. I don't want to be like this.

How does your heart re-learn something? How do you begin to believe the truth? How do I start to ease up on myself and thus release the motivation I need in order to stick with it?