Becoming

I know it takes time. But after the last six months, I'm ready for a break. I'm learning to breathe in every moment. I'm slowly learning how not to have road rage! When I find myself starting to stress, I consciously make an effort just to let it all go. I say, 'Its not important, there is nothing you can do. Just let go.'

I think it is working. I think the more I stay in a state of calm, the more I aspire to it, the more I try to become it, to become my name, to become who I was created to be, the easier it is to recognise what I am not. It is a bit of a battle, and a bit of a rude awakening to find that for so many years you have been behaving contrary to your true nature. This whole 'striving' part of me isn't me at all! And so, the layers have to be peeled back, peeled off, a painful process... and the beauty has to be revealed.

Women in general seem to have this marvellous way of undervaluing themselves. I think we could transform the world if we just started to believe the truth about ourselves. They say we behave what we believe. If my beliefs change, then my behaviour will. If my behaviour changes, my responses change. If my responses change, my reactions change. If my reactions change, then people will also react to me differently. And then I will find that whatever 'vibe' I've been giving off has changed. And I will find that maybe, just maybe, I will interpret others' responses differently, just becuase I believe something different about myself.

If you believe you are of worth, becuase God says so, not anyone else; if you believe that in the deep down quiet places of your heart, and you start to know it, then you won't let others undervalue you either. More healthy relationships. Easier to walk away. No less hurt due to rejection, but I think it always takes emotions a while to catch up.

Lord, I'm learning so much! Does any of this make sense to anyone?

Soaking

It is like learning a new skill, connecting with the earth, with God, learning the truth. And I've been a Christian 13 years. Firstly it requires one thing: Sometimes, you have to be still. Not necessarily physically still, but still on the inside, your mind you have to still, and then begin to sensitise yourself to your surroundings. Start to quiet the words, the thoughts, the sentences, and start to breathe in with the rest of nature, the sun, the scenery. Even if you're in your room. Lie on your bed and just get yourself to a point of silence and stillness, closing your eyes, but not falling asleep.

I'm trying to make this a habit, becuase I really yearn for a better way of life. I'm fed up of the noise, and I'm craving the peace. And of course, peace is a gift from the Holy Spirit, and not only do i eagerly desire it, I pray for it all the time. And I'm learning. I really want to change, but I've discovered this:

You know you have a really dry plant on your windowsill that you've forgotten to water for ages and ages? It is still alive, but not exactly thriving. The earth around its roots is dry and cracked and crisp and dusty to the touch. It is hard and impenetrable, and you don't dare poke about too much because you could end up breaking something. Then you decide to water it, and you go at it with a jug full of water. But the surface is so dry that it rolls off and down the sides. Sometimes the whole plant might even rise out of its container and float on top of the water that you've poured in.

I feel like that. I'm desperate for a drink. I'm desperate to be revived and to be thriving, happy and healthy and making flowers. But my soil is not ready. I am learning to soak. And the results aren't immediately apparent. They can't be. First of all, the only contact with the water may be a few tiny roots and the soil that is cracked and dry. And very gradually, over time, the water will begin to be soaked up. It might not penetrate all of my roots, or even much of the soil. So, I will keep going to be filled up. At first, you might not see an improvement. But you may keep topping it up, becuase it looks like the plant could do with more water. Once it is past the 'too difficult to absorb' stage, there is no stopping it. The plant then absorbs its nourishment much more quickly, it can drink a lot more. But it will take a long time, and a lot of care. But the exciting thought is that I might bear the most beautiful flowers one day.

I can't wait.

Insanity

They say that a good definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results.

Boy, I must be a right nutter. I keep going back for more. I keep asking, keep seeking, keep looking for assurance and affirmation from certain individuals who can't give it to me. I keep looking to others, even my friends, for answers that they just don't have. I can't look to food for comfort anymore, and its no wonder I'm feeling things more deeply!

I know what the answer is. I know, becuase there is this little voice that keeps saying, 'Come away with me...' and I know I need to retreat. I know I need to be by myself. To incubate. To receive healing and restoration. To receive words of love and things that will make me feel special.

I just don't know how to do it. Every time I hear the call, I'm just so good at forgetting. I'm so good at ignoring it. Do you think it could be the next step? I mean, now that I've learned to stop trying to satisfy my restlessness by eating junk, by ignoring my body, by letting things slide. Now that I'm beginning to master a new way of eating, a new way of being, now that I'm not suppressing that voice anymore... how do I learn to do it? How do I put it all into practice? How do I carve out time to get away? How do I teach myself new habits and unlearn ones that are just not working?

I know the answers.

How do I make it happen?

Bring back the sparkle!

I've had an interesting day. But boy do I feel like I'm in the middle of a raging war.

After I finished work at 1pm, I went to my American friend's house to make a corset. I had lunch first and sat in the garden, and then spent the whole afternoon dilligently working on this lovely cotton print corset with lace detailing. I spent a little time in the sun, I'm sure I got a little brown even. I was relaxed and having fun, chatting to the girl whose corset it was that I was making. So, time clicks on and I know that I have duties to attend to in the evening... I have band practice that usually starts just before 8pm.

After breaking at around 7 just after finishing the sewing for the day, I suddenly realised how utterly exhausted I was. My injured knee had started to swell and made my ankle now absolutely humungus in the heat. It still is. I had to drive home, ring people to tell them I was too tired to come to practice, crashed through the doors carrying heavy sewing machine and took one look at my housemate, 'I'm in a bad mood!' and clunked up the stairs. I made something to eat, being careful to eat nutritiously, not just junk. And then half way through my meal I started to feel a little bit sick and upset. I phoned a friend, but he was just on his way to a date... which for some reason set me off and I started crying.

It made me feel just like Duckie in 'Pretty in Pink' when he is standing there at the prom, having to see the girl that he's had a crush on for, like, EVER, go off with another man... Not that I have a crush on this friend of mine - maybe a little one - but it was just too much for me, the fact that he was unavailable and never warns me about all these dates he's going on.

I hate being tired.

I hate being Duckie.

When am I going to stop being the sidekick and start being the princess?

OK, I think this is just a case of PMT talking, but I've just had enough and I need a holiday. I want to just quit my life for three weeks and find my groove again! Becuase everyone around me is saying that I'm not my usual sparkly self and I don't know what can bring back the sparkle.

I might have shimmery sun tan cream on, but this shandy has gone flat!

Sometimes its hard to be a woman...

You know the feeling you get when you've just watched one of those rites of passage movies? Ok, it might as well be mostly any movie that leaves you in a reflective mood. Anyway, the point is that I've come to the end of a chapter in my life, the wind has changed, and Mary Poppins has been carried off in another direction. I guess today I'm just at that point where I've gone and flown my kite off Primrose Hill (not literally of course, becuase I'm at least 45 miles away!). The journey which started out so frought with anxiety and disappointment has now reached an impasse. I'm driving from LA to Las Vegas and have paused along the way to see the Grand Canyon - it is just breathtaking.

When I was little, my mum used to take my brother and I to the playground in Primrose Hill. I remember cycling my little bike, complete with stabilisers all the way up the hill. I remember the melted ice cream and the horrible public toilets with the wet floors where we would get a rush of instant cool during a hot summer. And as a teen, I remember climbing to the top of a plain mound, a hill with one plaque cemented firmly to the ground, looking out over London. It was always melancholy, with a misty blue haze that just sat over the horizon. I don't think I ever thought much about my future, only my indescribably hopeless and uncomfortable present.

And today, I look out over the horizon with a different mind, a different heart, a grown up one. One filled with hope for the future, but rest in the present. One that knows, that says, 'All is well. All will be well.' I take a deep breath. And then one more, as if trying to slow down the beat of my heart, as if trying to bring my body in line with the rest of my being. It helps that it is sunny outside.

On one hand I ask, 'What will become of me?' 'Am I lovely?' 'Will I ever change?' 'Is he on his way?' 'Will it always be like this?' 'How long, Lord? How long?' and on the other, I just know that there is little I can do to move it along, little point in pushing, no way that I can really change just by wishing. And on the other hand, I think I've come to that point where I've found myself having learned the difficult lesson, and I've got through it. But in the process, I've found the next lesson that I'm supposed to learn, and I'm on the brink of a bright new discovery. So as one chapter ends, another begins. As one part of me dies, another is born. As one seed is sown, a hundred are reaped.

Everything is going to be just fine...

One impossible man

A work colleague of mine who I had a little 'indiscretion' with earlier on in the year, a chap who I still care about and like has just told me his weekend was rather successful (in the pulling stakes). This in itself is not something I find shocking. I know that the guy is looking for love, or excitement, or a life partner, or a girlfriend, or even just someone to have sex with. Fair enough. Lifestyle choice I suppose.

I'm not stupid. I know what he's like. I'm under absolutely no illusions that this is the direction his life is going in. Also, I knew that it was inevitable that sooner or later he was going to pull a random bird and bring her back to his flat for a bit of such and such... God forbid, I almost encouraged it, if only to force a change in our ambiguous relationship which I knew would be better for me.

But this change I think has come sooner than I expected, even though I fully expected it. I guess since I had expected it all along, I'm not that surprised. I don't feel particularly emotional about it at the moment, certianly not in a knee-jerk reaction, tears all over the place, why the hell am I reacting like this? kind of way. I've been having all these rather strong emotional reactions to things recently to all sorts of other things you see, so I think I'm sort of surprised that I'm not more hurt and disappointed than I thought I would be. Could this be a mysterious case of my head ruling my heart for a change? Phew! It is a bit of a relief.

Of course I'm a little sad that it has to go this way from now on, but hey... that's the way the cookie crumbles. It will be interesting to see how the friendship dynamics change now. Don't start telling me, 'He's an asshole, he doesn't deserve a friend like you, he's a man, he's rubbish, you're better off without him!' in a bid to spare my feelings.

Just becuase someone is hopeless, it doesn't mean you love them any less.

You just don't take as much crap as you used to.

Control Freak

Ok, ok I admit it. A source of great pain and consternation in my life is the fact that I believe (wrongly) that I can have an effect on speeding up my learning/growing/changing process. There is this prayer that is well known that says, 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.' I don't think it was a mistake when my parents named me. I always say that I'm growing into my name. But serenity is such a difficult quality to embody.

I wish I was more serene. In my little brain I got all carried away and thought I could do something about my recent dating situation. Even the whole idea of getting an attitude shake up meant that I was treating the whole thing as a project, something to be accomplished, men to be observed in order to aid my growth process. My roomie pointed out that it meant I was only using them... perhaps, if I have that in the back of my mind every time I meet someone new I'm also doing a mini assessment (ok dammit, AFTER the situation, not during!). But it is just the way my brain works - doing something wrong? oooh! I can do something to make things better for myself...

D'oh! Missed the point. The point is with some things, there is NOTHING that I can do. And I've got to learn what these things are. I can't rush things, becuase it just doesn't work. It is one thing saying, 'Relax and just have fun!' when my whole life has been telling me, 'If you don't do something, nothing will get done! If you don't point out the problem, nothing will happen! If you don't make the first move, no one will come up and speak to you and you'll still be lonely...' So, how do I re-program myself to think, 'even if nothing seems to be happening, even if the problem still remains (is it still really my problem?), even if no one comes up and talks to me... then...' what? then chill? just like that?

I know that I can't necessarily change my circumstances... I can, however change my attitude. And I really need to learn how to chill. I take the risk that if I learn to chill for long enough, if I suffer being disappointed for long enough (becuase there will be disappointments), if I learn to adjust my expectations about life... then the results will take care of themselves. The career will change, the love of my life will arrive, i'll have more fun, hell, I might even be thin... if I chill for long enough down this same route.

I don't know. My stupid brain takes forever to kick in. I don't even realise half the time that I'm 'Striving' it is almost a natural state for me to be in! So, anyone help... help me to lighten up. Help me to chill... help me to have fun... and the rewards for us all will be magnificent. I'm sure of it!

Beauty and the Beholder

Sometimes I give myself pep-talks. What am I talking about? I ALWAYS give myself pep-talks!!! In as much as I am telling others about my discoveries and newly learned insights (sometimes I understand that in my delivery I am so enthusiastic that this can be overwhelming) I am also reminding myself of the truths that I am trying to imbue into my soul.

I want to learn and grow. I think I probably want it a little too much. I almost want to be there already, speeding the 'process' along at such break neck speed you don't have time to enjoy the scenery. The process is what seems to be taking so long. I still don't feel as if I have arrived. A lot of this talk is prompted by the fact of this excess weight that I've been carrying around most of my life. It is like a story to be told. There is a truth to be revealed, a beauty, and actually that is the painful process. At the core of what I believe I was created to be is something nice. More than nice. It is wonderous. And all my life I've been striving to become. That's it. Striving.

Unfortunately this is not a particularly nice quality in a woman. So I've decided that I'm going to stop. I don't know how this can be done. I don't know how I'm going to find that peace that says, 'Even if you don't get me, even if you have no idea what I'm going on about, even if you don't care about any of this, I do. I care, I am enjoying being me immensely. Just becuase there is no one to enjoy me, it doesn't diminish my beauty.' I think that's what it is all about, you know. I've kind of always thought that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I always expected that beholder to be something external, you know? A lover or God. That is all well and good, but it has to be sufficient that I am beholding and enjoying myself - at least for now. Until I figure out how to accept beholding from someone else. And I do behold. I just get stressed frequently that I've never heard it from the significant male personage in my life: my dad. I suppose if I never hear it, that's OK too. There is no point going on as if something is still missing. I've found the answer. I've found Jesus and the promises of his eternal Kingdom. There is nothing left to find - except perhaps enter fully into what it really means to enter into this kingdom and grasp hold of the peace He offers and know that everything is actually going to be alright.

I think I know that, deep down. I think I know that everything WILL be fine, and good. Which does not explain my behaviour at all, really. I have to apologise for all those who have been caught up in the tumultuousness that is my presence sometimes. But other than that, I'm not going to apologise for being a passionate and emotional woman. Life would be boring otherwise. If you want an easy life, don't dock here! Just as in God wants to be wanted, wants to be loved, as does the pinnacle of his creation: Woman.

There, I admit it. I want to be loved, pursued, desired, wanted. But if I'm not in a state of rest, then I'm not exactly going to be attractive. So, what does being in a state of rest and not striving mean? For me, I'm not sure what it looks like. That is what I've got to learn. I've got to exchange the frustration of the 'Not Yet' for the enjoyment of the present. Easier said than done, I suppose. But this I know: If I'm doing everything I can to move myself forward, in any given moment, I will still feel like i'm not going anywhere. So I think I've just got to get used to the feeling of being stationary, but also the paradox of knowing that I am going somewhere. Even if the tiniest little increment of my behaviour (par example, controling what I eat, learning to live in the moment, not stressing about the 'what if') continued for a sustained enough period will have the desired results in the end. I've got to be less results focussed, as if that is the only measure of success. The success is IN the moment. It is in the choices of each moment. Each time I make the right decision, and each time I choose to enjoy the decision I've made because i know that things might not be ok now, but one day they will be...

And then, I've got to surrender the results to an unbelievably generous God who gives us much more than we deserve, and much more than we've ever worked for. Here's to a God who gives us dreams and makes them come true.

Triumphant!

OK, so after my first week of WW I have lost a stonkingly surprising 6 and a half pounds!!! Hooorraaaaayyy! That is like three weeks worth of weight loss in one week... what a boost. I must say, it has encouraged me to be really good. I need to lose as much as I can quickly to keep me hanging in there and once the weight loss slows down, i'm going to be needing massive quantities of encouragement. It seems easy now. But come back in three months time and I bet you I'll be struggling. I think the accountability factor seems to work. I think I thrive with giving folks feedback.

My one concern is that I don't feel like I've lost any weight at all. I mean, I don't think I'm really going to notice a difference until I'm in the next size down. But hey, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I want to do this well and all above order. In a way, it is good that I can't do any exercise at the moment, becuase by the time my knee gets better, it will give an added boost to my weightloss probably just when it has slowed down. Oh Lord, I hope this blog doesn't turn into an obsessive weight losing story. Still, you can encourage me when I'm in need of encouragement. Bless you all.

Ending today on a high... yippeeeee!

Weighting and Dating

OK, so I'm on the verge of two exciting discoveries. One of them is really really short term: the discovery whether or not I have lost any weight this week. It is particularly terrifying becuase I'm not sure if I'm prepared for the answer. It could go three ways. I could have lost, stayed the same or put on weight. Clearly the first two are better than the last, but how do I adjust my expectations so that I'm not disappointed. I suppose i don't expect to feel that ecstatic should I lose 2lb out of a probably 60 that I need to lose in all.... but how disappointed am I going to feel if I don't lose anything? And really when it all comes down to it, does it matter? So, let me list the successes of this week:

- have been drinking between two and three litres a day. Mostly water, the odd cup of tea and sometimes sugar free squash.
- have eaten breakfast every single day. Usually this consists of some cereal with skimmed milk
- have upped the amount of fruit I'm eating - I'm snacking on fruit instead of rubbish
- I haven't had any cakes, sweets or chocolates apart from getting about half way through a half empty tub of Green and Black's organic chocolate before throwing it away... so, it was a success that I threw the rest away and didn't eat ALL of the remains.
- I've written everything down that I've eaten to track my bad habits! (so far, it is just a matter of fine-tuning them!)

So, I'm basically waiting to see whether eating three healthy vegetable filled meals a day is actually going to have had a positive effect on me this week.

In other news, I have decided to change my entire attitude towards the notion of dating. As I said recently, my eyes have been opened - there are plenty of good men out there. There are plenty of good Christian men out there, as well. But my biggest problem has been my attitude towards dating. I've always thought that its not really right to date. In fact, I had even decided that I didn't even want to date anyone until I found 'the one' which is a pretty stupid attitude to have. But also, the definition of dating has to be clarified. I mean, what qualifies as a date, low key or otherwise? I've decided to loosen up a bit. I'll go for coffee with mostly anyone. The idea of dating is now as an end to itself. To have fun, to get to know members of the opposite sex, and discover what I like about them. To enjoy a good meal or a film, or sharing activities with someone I wouldn't otherwise choose to spend time with. I've decided to accept most invitations should I get them, and to change my pattern of traffic so that I'm meeting more people. Also, I've decided to quit with the waiting for 'the one' and start enjoying the chaps who have already been sent my way. Don't have to be 'going out' with them per say, but just getting to know them better... i don't have to fancy them at all, and I don't have to be obliged to fancy them if they show a bit of interest. I always thought that if a guy liked me i was somehow indebted to him and had to like him in return. So out of the window that thought goes... and bring on the dates!!!

Stay tuned.

Watch it, weight!

There we go. Not only did I try internet dating for a sum total of three weeks this year, but I have now signed up to Weight Watchers in a bid to lose the excess weight that I've been carrying for most of my life. I've been on countless diets and healthy eating fads over the years to counteract feelings of sluggishness and general fatness from eating too many sweets. I go through phases of being able to control my eating habits and develop good patterns. I don't seem to have a problem per say with self-control or will power, as I even gave up sugar for 10 weeks earlier this year with no cravings and no detrimental effect. In fact, it stabilised my eating patterns and I'm sure I lost weight! The only problem was I returned to an unhealthy pattern and I'm sure I put the weight back on! (perhaps not all of it) but I was eating copious quantities of ice cream which is unfortunately my weakness.

So, seeing as how accountability seems to be the one element of all my efforts that is lacking, I have bit the bullet and decided to swallow my pride concerning all the stigma attached to such a venture. My first meeting was fine, with the overly energetic and sylph like Sue as my ww hostess. Of course, I felt like a frumpy middle aged housewife - WHY? I am young free and single, frumpy is not exactly a word anyone would use to describe me, and yet, I came away feeling excited to be filling in a little journal, but otherwise realising quite how dense I was. Still, I wouldn't mind being 34 stone if I looked like a size 12!!!

You put your right leg in...

Went to a Ball on Saturday with Lady Penelope. It was pretty fun becuase I recognised so many people there, and I was expecting to know about three people! many of the old gang were folks who I'd been to church with and in homegroups with before I moved away from London. It was really good to see some old faces again. In fact, it was rather refreshing as opposed to exhausting! I did feel a little like the Limpy Princess, though, because I spent most of the evening with my leg up on a chair and a rather wet ice pack dripping down my fishnet tights. I thought it would elicit some sympathy and perhaps get a few chaps over to chat to me, but nay. I was sorely mistaken, and my sore knee was not sympathetic at all. As I couldn't show off on the dance floor, I had to make do with sitting down for a spell, and then getting restless to the point of going up to random strangers and complimenting them on their attire for the evening. It worked better with women, as they tended to be dressed rather more to impress than the chaps. There is only so much one can say about a dj after all. but then after a while standing, i found I could take the pain no longer and just had to sit down again, thus forfeiting the potential of an extended conversation with whichever chap I happened to be talking to at the time and possibly leave him thinking that I wanted to make a quick exit... shame. I'm sure the whole affair had the desired effect it was supposed to - not quite sure what that is exactly, but one day I'm sure I'll find out.

Nevertheless, a fun evening was had, hooked up with some old friends, got to dress up all sparkly and glam, go somewhere new, had a surreal moment in a Lebanese sandwich bar on the Edgeware Road at two in the morning, and it really opened my eyes to this one fact: There are plenty of good christian men out there. There is only one thing: there have got to be easier ways of getting to know them!